official worst smell ever. a used condom that has gone through the dryer.
he wanted me to put the condom on for him. I was high and couldn't figure it out.. so instead we played xbox.
why is allison so mad at me??
me and her walked into dans and you yelled "hello my dear alli, you're looking mighty overweight today!".
crap..
Apparently the last thing they remember of me was me stumbing into a bathroom, then falling out 5 minutes later clutching a butter knife repeating "ketamine goes in my face hole"
Yeah but he's impersonating a gargoyle jumping off of everything. Including the walls.
I would rather deep fry my own cock while it's still attached to me than have his life.
It was just like old times except for going to hangover throw up before waking my parents up to open presents. Merry Christmas!
Dad, is it in any way illegal for me to run around throwing handfuls of lucky charms at people tomorrow?
you're kidding right?
In less than 24 hrs I went from conversing with Nobel Laureate, to hangover vomiting in front of a drive thru cashier
When he gets asked "is it in?" more than his name you arent missing out on much more than a petite tampon.
I found my keys in the basement freezer. Drunk me is a sneaky little bastard.
He texts me "what are you wearing" in the middle of the workday, so naturally I assume he's kidding and respond "the blood of my enemies" #foreveralone
I did not know male screamers existed until now. Good for him. Good for my ego.
I vomited out my contact lenses last night
Just puked most of my soul out..
Randomize
