i don't know what kind of porn he watches.. but that is NOT how you do it...
It's like you don't even want to get drunk with me everyday, anymore.
I went to his work to give him some blankets and ended up blowing him in the bathroom. See what happens when you don't come over?
He was waring a speedo fashioned out of american flag bandanas and when he got hard he said "you're such a patriot...raising the american flag like that"
Just woke up with my keys in one hand and cheesecake in the other.
I need to shotgun another beer. Where's the machete?
I saw a crackhead in a ballerina outfit riding a bike while waving her hands and one leg in the air. Never seen such talent in my life
I've decided that I'm okay with you getting a goat. I have to get over my completely rational fear of goats somehow.
I'm drinking and making muffins and I believe this is why God put us on earth.
I was on etsy and I'm like those boobs look way too familiar
I'm never going out with the ashleys again. it was whoreible. terrifyingly whoreible.
My goal is to have my roommate find me sprawled out in the middle of my floor naked and passed out. Maybe with some Alfredo chicken hanging out of my mouth. I don't know, we'll see where this goes.
I realized it was late, and he was my brother in humanity and another incarnation of my own life force and consciousness, so I regained control of myself, thanked him for helping me, and went home.
We are literally scheduling phone sex... if that's not long distance af then i don't know what is
He casually compared computer science to childbirth and I was like "hey, as someone who has wanted to fuck you for six months now, could you please never talk about childbirth ever again"
Randomize
