I love college. Only here at ten in the morning can you hear "Man, hot sauce on my pussy was my worst idea in a long time." while walking down the hall.
I just don't have the heart to tell my mom you peed in our washer machine last night.
look out your window.... he's holding his iphone up like a boombox playing you beach boys
in case you havent found it already in honor of Toy story 3 we wrote ANDY on the bottom of your foot while you were passed out on the couch.
We can't have sex anymore. The amount of money I've spent on meds and copays for UTIs is getting ridiculous
Found out why I didn't have to go drug test. My boss grew pot to pay for grad school.
was it me or did you scream 'champagne motherfucker' when you punched him in the face ??
Hey. I can't work your space dryer so I'm wearing your blanket home. I'll get my clothes later. Fun party!
She seriously spent 30 minutes trying to make balloon animals out of my limp dick...
...
Exactly.
Well if homeless lesbian experimenting divorcée is your new M.O., you're gonna need to start drinking more anyway so if that's what it takes to talk about it tomorrow afternoon, bottoms up bitch
I just had sex on my divorce papers. I've never felt so poetic.
This is the worst drive ever. Im hungry, hungover, i gotta shit so bad, and the only radio station im getting clearly is playing alvin and the chipmunks christmas songs
I got a gay guy to motorboat me. These tits could change the world, I'm telling you.
cant one of your roommates drive you?
You came in my eye once. You owe me.
ill be there in 20
Sex was followed by homemade breadsticks. I waited till after the breadsticks were gone to tell her i had a gf.
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