I'm at a bar that has girls so awful looking even you would not have sex with them.
Well... I doubt that.
I feel like a bad episode of csi trying to figure everyone's DNA that's in me
Can you put "designated driver" on a resume?
I miss Michael Jackson so much sometimes
May have caused an international incident. More details after we taxi in.
I woke up covered in sausage cart mustard and champagne
Mystery lines found in a Pyrex dish in the back of my pantry at 415 am. No recall as to it's origin. Unidentifiable taste. Obviously I'm doing them
Monday morning margarita madness at ny house. Yes before wheel of fortune. Yes day drinking.
You're not supposed to support this behaviour, btw the judge recognized me
The last thing I searched on my phone was "leave in conditioner on cats." This is where my life is.
The appetizer at the dinner I went to tonight was Klonopin and a Bloody Mary.
I woke up in bed spooning a vacuum cleaner
Finally get to put my practical writing degree to use! I'm writing a craigslist ad for a threesome
I hooked up with the sexiest couple in the LAX BATHROOM IN THE CHANGING FAMILY ROOM HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAA
I'm getting drunk off Malibu and watching Drag Race and it's only 2 in the afternoon. I'm the poster child for sad gay men.
Randomize
