i am so fucked up that i think i'm playing snood in my head.
well..are you winning?
those are such fre$h shoes
going to ignore the use of the word "fresh" in a sentence that isnt related to produce and/or other food stuffs and especially the part where you replaced an "s" with a dollar sign
They were lying down in the parking garage pretending to be speed bumps...
He said he loved me so I pretended not to hear it because I don't think "I love your penis" was the response he was looking for.
I remember sitting there at the toilet, bleeding everywhere and thinking, "I walked from my bedroom to here. What happened?"
A 40 year old man just put his hands on my thighs and said in these exact words "you're so beautiful and gorgeous and innocent. But life sucks and you'll probably turn into a whore."
I mean...he was throwing up for almost 3 consecutive hours. I don't think there's a chance in hell that would have tasted even close to tolerable.
I'm basically flying you out for a long weekend of sex and going to the zoo
I'm cool with that
They have a house rule that you get a composite for every 5 guys you sleep with. Where should I hang my new one?
Just introduced myself to a group of people and one dude said "You're Marc!? I've heard many a legend of you." I raised bottle of champagne, said cheers, and drank with them.
I took the pregnancy test for shits and giggles, but neither shits nor giggles were had.
You just managed to turn Doctor Seuss into a sext. I really like you now.
That kid singlehandedly fucked the breakup right out of me. I'm only hooking up with Millenials from here on out.
For future reference, when he drunkenly screams "YOUR MOTHER SUCKS COCKS IN HELL," he means that he's about to throw up. Invest in a bucket.
you were screaming "I don't need a shirt!" repeatedly while in the process of taking it off and flashing the bouncer. we got kicked out. thanks a lot.
Randomize
