I wanna get so fucked up that I try to catch a coyote in a pillowcase, breakdance fight a lion, and send back some toast at Denny's when I see its slightly burnt.
Drunk on an escalator. I fell like 15 flights of stairs without actually moving more than 5 feet.
Look at the bright side...I have an 11 inch penis
It's just a condom. Most people would commend me for saying I was going to start using them, and you're acting like I'm going to try heroin.
You insisted I take photos of you vomiting off the top of the tree.
as soon as I stop standing here with one leg up on my bathroom counter admiring my balls, I'm going to go tan. and then you may come over.
He woke me up for a 10am bootycall. he was already drunk when he got here and when we were fucking, bagpipes started playing amazing grace outside of my window!! I love Boston on st. Patties day!!
Using the balance in my bank account I just calculated how many fifths of vodka I can buy this year. Don't let me buy food, all my money is reserved for alcohol
About to throw up, bathroom line up, Bro sees me. Yells, 'PUKER GET OUT OF WAY' THEY ALL PARTED WAY THREW ME INTO A STALL AND CHEERED AS I THREW UP INTO THE TOILET. we are going back
I snorted xanax while wearing reindeer antlers. Prancer gone wild. Have a merry Christmas.
Do it!! We better have a duck by the time I get home.
I came and sneezed at the same time. Words can't describe how awesome it was.
I hope that will b the last time i take off my pants in the chemistry building.
Other than the whole stab wound in my leg thing, today was pretty good. The nurses all loved me and gave me a sandwich and juice.
It's less than a hour into 2020 and I already want to punch some people in the face
Randomize
