he kind of looks like leonardo dicaprio...in whats eating gilbert grape
wtf, did you fuck a retard?!
At the bar dressed as a taco. not a typo. Come down.
She woke up with blood running down her face and asked the EMS guy where the keg was
You're in the clear; you and Andrew did not joint fingerbang that girl on the dance floor last night.
Apprently after I bit that bouncer, it all went down hill.
I've never used poorer judgment in my life. It's mathematically possible that I impregnated 5 women in the past 24 hours since I won the lottery. But I couldn't be happier about it.
I was trying to fart in my sleep in the hopes that he would leave
I had an epiphany. If a dude dressed up as Batman to ask me out, I'd prolly marry him.
I mean with a sentence like that I knew I would be cumming
I've never been so tempted to check my phone during sex in my life.
I like to make sure they know it's casual by giving then a high five after sex
Well Jon got a DUI sleeping in the back seat so I thought the trunk was safer. BUT WHO CARES WHY JUSE PLEASE COME LET ME OUT!
I think I should write my liver a thank you note. If it had my work ethic, I would be dead now.
last night i was way too drunk and i was forcing people to let me tell them about mammals
My conscious state is steadily increasing towards drunkenness.
Randomize
