dude, osama threatened the US again
dude. i slept with your sister last night
what?
I saw that as an opertune moment to drop some big news
our cab driver is having phone sex.
shes got a 6th sense for me cheating...the the hailey joel osmound of me getting bjs
She said she couldnt do it today but shed make it up to me next week
stick it in her butt and if she asks, say that thats what you thought she meant
I'm at the casino and some dude apparently has money in an entire row of slot machines. Its like watching a really intense adult version of wack a mole
All I remember is yelling RUN as fireworks started going off in the kitchen. Who said that was a bad idea?
I just spewed blue gatorade in the shower. It looked like the ocean.
I am a human short and spout . Here is my jager Herr is my redbull . When i get real drink i shout out. Tip me over and pour yeager out
Why am I the only one concerned that there's a dog in the movie theatre?
I'm going to have to take an awkward trip to the front desk to ask them if they found a pair of turquoise shorts and an "I'm the Mom" sweatshirt.
HOW LONG TILL THESE DRUGS WEAR OFF. I WORK IN ONE HOUR, I REPEAT, I WORK IN ONE HOUR.
Also, horsecock action starts in about a month. Have you prepared yourself yet?
By the way I got my period today. No NHL babies for me.
Foreign objects found in purse this morning include: chocolate covered pretzels, pepper spray, and farm animal shaped key chains (you know the ones you squeeze and fake poop comes out, yea those)
I called him my big strong man today. It's all downhill from here. Matching Christmas sweaters, here we come
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