She said so on her MySpace, so it's gotta be true.
The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
So, we're going at it on the sink when a German kid walks in and starts brushing his teeth. I love hostel sex.
I'm masturbating to football. This is why I get guys and you don't
I'm covered in mustard and it looks like I nose dived in to barbed wire ??? Was last night that good?
Does it count as working out if stops are taken every half hour to smoke a blunt?
OH MY GOD IT'S LIKE SHOOTING FISH IN A BARREL, EXCEPT INSTEAD OF FISH THEY ARE FIGHTER PILOTS
Also I'm eating leftovers with a pair of bullet removal forceps (unused) because I don't have a fork.
A warmed up burrito and jelly beans. The breakfast of champions.
She unfriended me on Facebook after I responded to her long love note with #demtittesdoe. Jager is the goddamned devil.
I'm dedicating this beer to drunk texting
I told him he could fuck me in his Notre Dame jersey if they won and he never texted back. What is this world coming to
gave out my moms phone number instead of mine last night... thattttttttttttttt dunk.
We're in an alley with a psychic wizard, shes reading our palms
Sorry. I was preoccupied thinking about penises
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