We just picked up about 540 lbs of women....
i wish we had vans that drove around at night but insteand of ice cream and jolly tunes its taco bell and the macarena
but seriously ill do anyone in one of those hats with the earflaps.
I just went to a chocolate syrup wrestling party I think you need to get on my level
I think the waitress doesn't beleive I have friends coming. I've had 4 drinks and a large salad just waiting for you guys.
how do i say, "my ex is going to be at this party so don't look like shit" without sounding like a bitch?
well, duh, but it's like you don't even want to see me masturbate with a wine bottle.
Is it appropriate to put "Mommy and Daddys shitfaced-ness that led to Aubrey" on a birth announcement?
Well you two just had a kid in the middle of college, I dont think anyone will notice.
Thanks bro
The cops said we could pay $250 or spend the night in jail and get 2 free meals. I might pee in mail-boxes more often
It is becoming increasingly more likely that my entire halloween costume will be entirely composed of borrowed clothing from the two girls I'm hooking up
i just came to a realization. Besides probably food, in my lifetime i think i have spent more money on legal fees than anything else
Just got your message from Saturday. Shove all the kittens down your pants? Really?
I was emotionally compromised.
I asked for a cup of water. They gave me tequila. They WANT ME TO DIE
He asked me how many starwars references he could make before i no longer find him attractive.
2 weeks shy of 25 and all I’m wishing for is a secret admirer who pulls my trash cans to the curb Wednesday morning for me because I always forget to Tuesday’s nights thanks to it being dollar draft night at the local bar
Randomize
