my secret santa just gave me a pregency test
when i start to cry when i lose at mario kart is when you should put me to bed
He bought me flowers. The card with it said: Sorry I cant get you off. I will try harder.
I might never shower again without beer.. I might also always drink naked
We have a tower of vodka coming. OF VODKA
My nephew just told me I smell like apathy and regret. Thats the hangover I'm dealing with
Yeah dude. Pulled out the couch and a bird flew at me. Please tell me who put a bird in my house.
Love me.
GO THE FUCK TO BED IT'S 3AM I AM NOT TAKING YOU TO MCDONALDS.
Just for one nugget?
Ps I'm glad our relationship hasn't progressed into having to get married so we legally can't testify against each other
So I've been thinking about this, and I've decided my bed is magic. Every time I change the sheets, a new boy is in my bed. I own the Sheets of Dreams-if I change them, they will come.
You're telling me he never had to ask for a blow job and he STILL broke up with you? I call bullshit on that one.
The other day I was really high and I felt like my words were coming out of my mouth in flowers...I don't know.
I'm going to fix your towel rack. I broke it while I was dancing on it.
I would totes reciprocate the nip pic, but I'm sick with a piece of tissue shoved up one of my nostrils and I'm just not feeling that ambitious. Sorry.
So apparently being drunk at work isn't allowed.. who knew?
Randomize
