i feel rough
just turned on the light, there is blood EVERYWHERE.
I want you more than these girls want KFC
Well I woke up with spatula marks on my ass and burns on my hands.
So I'm drunk playing pool in a bar with a guy I arrested last week for a DUI...if he recognizes me, shit's gonna get real.
He asked if he could pull one of my teeth "to remember me by"
My mom just told me she would flash her tits to a cop to get me out of jail, and then we high-fived.
Hungover, threw up in a cosmetic case in my car this morning. This is real life.
You'd love her. She's outspoken like us. And appreciates a big penis and a strong drink.
My mom just walked in and saw a picture of his penis. She then asked me "Do you even have a cervix left?!" I don't know what to feel anymore HA
Yeah well that's a good thing right? Like mothers approval? Kinda like a Fathers blessing but. . . better?
How do I have sand in my vagina if we were an hour away from the beach?
I wish you could see all the crumbs in my bra....it looks like Hansel & Gretel got lost in my cleavage.
I mean I did fuck her boyfriend, the least I could do is post happy birthday on her Facebook wall.
Just remembered that I got laid thanks to my glow in the dark Batman belt buckle. Need to wear it more often.
Just letting you know that I just spent 11 dollars on a car wash... Because you had sex in my car.
He eats ass but won’t hold open doors. My kinda guy.
Chivalry really is dead.
Randomize
