I wish Facebook had filters like: Ivy League school, frat boy, straight, extremely wealthy, great in bed.. I would check all of them
Had to have a serious talk with my liver and remind it that it is my birthday weekend and there are three more nights like last night ahead of us
She said, and I quote "how do you run with something that big between your legs".
omg dinner turned into a foam party this is weiriiid
Just headbutted a photographer. This convention just got really interesting.
we went from five shot glasses to three in one night. we lost 'badass' and gumbi, but the ninja turtle survived. courtney says to avoid any more casualties we're not allowed to use shot glasses past 1am. and we're not allowed to throw them
Dude, she got on top of me, grumbled in a low voice "I'm going to make you remember me", and then farted.
I literally just biked home like I was on the last leg about to win the tour du France. Fuck diarrhea
for me, it's working out the tricky timing of the Viagra and nightly laxative.
Like, she can be the shepard of the gays. Delivering him unto homosexuality.
One day I'm gonna have to send my roommate a "sorry I got high and forgot you were in the room and masturbated next to you" fruit basket
hitting rock bottom is getting taziki in your hair & simply putting it in a bun instead of actually dealing with it, just like your problems
literally took my pants off in the middle of bourbon last night without taking off my heels im a super human i guess
He took home that trashy slut from Bama but a NFL Lineman was just in my DMs so... who’s the real winner here
Real life skills section of my resume: blow jobs, food knowledge trivia, sarcasm, mascaera application, sexting, tolerance of rail liquors
Randomize
