You never realize just how much you have to be thankful for until you almost shit yourself in a Target.
I just Organized my jello shots by their colors in my mini fridge for the rest of the week. I'm going places in life.
So I called her out for all the gossip she does and she's like "you do the same, bitch"
So I was like "Im classy like the Countess, youre just a bitch like Kim."
Kudos on the Interstate Housewife metaphor.
well yea, now i know i won't get hair in my teeth...
I've had cake for breakfast the past 3 days. You tell me how bikini season is going.
When you're opening a bottle of tequila with a golf club, it's probably time to stop drinking...
Good, she had spurs on her boots. That is a sign for instant herp attack.
Yes but that point is quickly negated bc u should never have to search more than one room to find your underwear.
Trust me. I don't get home before 5am. I know what Immmm doing. BTW bail money is in my closet. PEACE
Nothing like a false "my-dad-found-my-weed" alarm on Christmas day.
He pulled a kid having a seizure out of a car and stayed with him until the ambulance came.
he what???
Not kidding. My ovaries cannot handle this shit...swear next time he'll rescue a bunch of pound puppies and hand them out to lonely orphans.
I know it's like I wanna bring somebody fun who I haven't drunkenly expressed my feelings for. Or hooked up with. It's a struggle.
A guy with a mustache poured a beer down your throat while you had a crippled boy named Sunshine riding your back
On a scale of 1 to shit show you were "i just pissed myself"
She blew me while I watched the jets game and the hardest thing was deciding what to focus on more
Randomize
