Dude judst bought snd smokked tfour white widoew jointsd in Asmsterdam. Wstching the Cvhiefs gsme. Oh Boy.
You are why other countries hate Americans. But I say God bless you.
My mom is pretending to be Paula Deen while making breakfast...I'm pretty sure she's sober.
This frat boy drinking a forty and wearing a pussy patrol shirt just ran out in front of my car. I should have used less brakes.
We need to talk about our relationship.
I just won a bet involving 10 tequila shots. You've got about 3 minutes
My dick just stopped my iPhone from falling into the toilet.
It's official, I've know hooked up with everyone I carpooled with in middle school
You know, I had the money for a pregnancy test, but at the time, tacos were more important.
I've reached too hung over to move status will you bring me something to drink?
I moved out 2 weeks ago remember?
Can you ship it to me then?
she kept asking for a lobster dinner while she was crying. it was actually the most reasonable drunk chick request i've ever heard.
I traded the garbage men the rest of my handle for a ride home. Best. Walk. Of. Shame. Ever.
You're in a tuxedo, you can pee wherever you want.
I just want to have sex and eat oreos. and then take body shots. like everyday.
Well I'm in the bathtub smoking a bowl and eating doritos and frosting so I might not be the one to advise you on this shit but I'll try.
i woke up at 4 pm face down on my hardwood living room floor. i would say its a new low but i think I found my new napping spot
Please don't explain what tea bagging is to my mother.
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