Its officially tradition: I black out every year on michael jackson's death day..
I vaguely remember telling a bum she was worth more than this
Definitely need to find a less healthy bootycalls. All this bitch got in her fridge is feta, English muffins and wheat grass. What the fuck can I make with that???
Found 2 Coors, problem solved.
Excellent idea. Nothing says "congrats for resurrecting yourself, Jesus" like Greygoose at noon!
I've had balls on my face twice in last 48 hours and I STILL haven't got laid!
Welcome to drunk texts. Live from Margaritaville, it's Saturday night!!!
Is it socially acceptable to stop at the strip club for the lunch buffet on my way to the airport?
Seriously, don't even. "Hi, have I seen you half naked covered in bright red body paint on the internet?" is NOT acceptable water-cooler chit-chat.
Aw.
Tell her this is the Disneyland of penises.It's a magical place everyone should visit once in their life.
Can I borrow your google glasses to make a sex tape?
Please remind me tomorrow that I ate a loaf of jimmy johns bread on the toilet 5 mins ago
I just turned down a booty call because I'm having a Star Wars movie marathon
Like do I send him a nude to ease his mind off his brother having a stroke? I'm not very good with words when it comes to consoling... I would be a terrible mother.
dude, you ran into a window then asked ME what the fuck I was doing.
hey if my parents say thanks for the meatballs just go with it ill explain later
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