if your phone is working sorry i called you at 2am. if it is not then i never called your phone at 2am
yeah, i liked him til i heard he had a sac that could apparently smother my face.
we're taking shots every time my dog licks his penis. we're on number 8 now.
you should have been aborted.
Instead of having sex, we spent the entire night making pillow forts and have sword fights. I think I'm in love
I was pretending that it wasn't happening. Until we had to roll down the windows as she was vomiting apologies into a Target bag.
Tonights dinner consisted of washing down my plan b pill with a bottle of wine and toast. College is turning my life around
He threw up the X he took like 30min before then when we thought his antics were over... BOOM! He tried to pee out a light he was holding.
One of my friends took me out last night for a bday celebration and I just now remembered that a man blew fire balls across the bar in honor of my birthday... How drunk do you have to be to forget that?
He played the same pre-sex songs as his brother...
just found out I was hugging strangers at the bar last night. there's photographic evidence. I know none of them
She bent over while grinding on me on the dance floor and her thong straps were hanging out, I thought it was a good idea to grab the straps with both hands and pretend to be riding in Santa's sleigh...not my brightest moment.
So to add to headbutting the microwave while waiting for my hot pockets to cook. I apparently told both bartenders earlier in the night I was going to fuck them both. I hate black out drunk me..
You just want me for my pizza coupons and my penis.
Dad is wasting no time getting back out there. Just walked in on him and a Twin Peaks waitress in the hot tub
I sharted in court today and had to sit on it for about three and a half hours.
Randomize
