We just followed a woman home because she looked like Jeff Goldblum. Turns out she lives in a trailer park.
i just got offered coke by a strung out pilot. my night just got a lot more interesting.
I actually had to roll up my long sleeves to masturbate. I hate the winter
She's sitting on the couch buck naked, eating a cupcake for dinner. I'm breaking new ground as a parent here.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I went out in the middle of the night to smoke my weed.. Didn't realize my dad was sitting on the patio doing the exact same thing..
josh has a chalupa in his pocket if you're hungry.
WHY AM I BEING COCKBLOCKED BY A KID PLAYING HAVA NAGILA ON THE SAXAPHONE
there is a money trail leading from my bathroom to my living room.. the trail ends with a half eaten bag of chips with a note that says "magical chipz".. who am i?
As I type I'm climbing my cousins swingset so I can take a nap inside the slide. Fuck this hangover. I always win.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Someone got day drunk, but I'm not saying who.
It was me.
We lost you in the mall, but to no surprise we found you waiting in line to sit on santas lap. You said you wanted to ask him for a pound of weed and a subway giftcard for xmas.
Who shows up to work two weeks ago still drunk and freshly high on blow and gets a promotion and a raise? This girl. Good at business. Super good at being fucked up.
I can control the tv with my phone while pooping on the second floor. I thought you should know for future reference
tom claimed she had a star tattooed around her buttonhole. i am not prepared for this era of skankyness
I just put a pill up my vagina. It was little like a quail egg. There is so much happening up there right now.
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