You should get sea herpes
I mean sea horses
Just got back from doctors appt. He lied. It wasn't a pimple on his dick.
you went into starbucks asked for a mocha "on the rocks"
Dude let's go to Saudi Arabia. They outlawed valentine's day. And probably love.
What can i say, i'm an artist. I think deep thoughts. In between the homoerotica and pterodactyl noises
Next Halloween, remind me to find a different wingman. Walking out in your pirate costume talking like Captain Ahab while i was banging her and telling me I had to harpoon the white whale really pissed her off.
She just drunkenly falls over and yells " I lost my footing!" in a british accent and then proceeds to run into the wall... did you spike her water?
An image of us stuck like that like Pompeii comes to mind. A wonder for future anthropologists
we just drove past a kid stuck in a tree what a wonderful time to be alive
Sometimes I refuse to go through a door until someone holds it open for me because I'm a fucking lady.
I'm just waking up. I awoke in a towel (I must have showered at some point),i also found a half eaten McChicken in my bed and vomit in the toilet. Seems like I'm winning at life
Sorry about the nipples in that snapchat. It was meant for the Australian.
I grabbed the pretzel bag with my toes last night. I think that day of yoga had paid off.
You're just upset because I have cupcakes and boobs and you don't.
I mean she's doing calculus in her head to prove how NOT drunk she is.
Randomize
