I made her cum... she sounded like Ray Romano
We've been friends for six months, when do my benefits kick in?
i woke up in the fire place with a lighter in my hand. if i would have died the night would have made up for it.
He passed out on the floor and you kept hitting him in the dick and screaming "hammer of justice".
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Just realized that St. Patty's is on a Saturday this year in case you were interested in coming to New York and redefining bender with me.
This Halloween will be different. I'm just here to get shitfaced, not troll around looking for slutty nun pussy.
I feel like the fact that I slept with someone who dresses up like Batman a few times will never be lived down.
I am drinking green tea.... My liver is in shock
I was hooking up with him and then someone banged on the door and shouted "When you get the chance, will you put the weed on the veranda?"
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
As much as I trust your struggle imma deal with being Eskimo brothers with my own sister before I get to that
I feel sorry for the person who's phone number is 704-1776 cause from now on I'm giving that number to every guy I never wanna talk to again. Happy Independence Day
I left the office with a vacuum, 2 condoms and 300 dollars cash money. Tell me I don't have the most versatile job on the planet.
It's alright. I'm just trying to make her realize you're not good enough for her.
You followed me up the stairs while i was throwing up yelling "projectile! projectile! projectile!"
It feels weird going to sleep without hugging the toilet goodnight
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