As my groomsman, I expect you to learn the Thriller dance with me before next September.
my boss said she was surprised to see me this morning. i told her there's a time in a girls life she has to give up day drinking in order to make money for next weekend's alcohol. she looked so proud, i think i might get a raise.
Dude, just paid my sister in vicodin to go out and buy me a slushie.
every time i recognize a doctor or patient at the hospital on this rotation, i just pray it's not from my blackout saturday makeout slut moments...professionalism shouldn't count on weekends
I don't want to talk about her cat for two hours only to dry hump till I'm blistered. Not worth it.
what's with the bloody hand print on the hood of your car
I saw he had me in his phone as "the fat twin"
When hitting a Woodchuck bottle with a machete, glass will fly back and cut your face.
I hope you did not try this.
I understand why they say don't drink the water in Mexico... I just saw 5 guys piss upstream of where the bar tender went to get the water
All my interactions with my brother are drug deals at this point
My inner pteradactyl is also confused.
Plus my fingers were hella swollen from eating all these cured meats so it was like I was given it to her with Hulk Hands on
You drunk-dialed me and asked me to describe my burrito
Ok. After that I think I'm going to drag queen jello wrestling if you would care to join.
Call me a snob but I'm not banging chicks with more fingers than teeth.
Randomize
