I just puked in the mop bucket at work. I think I need to go home.
Just got kicked in the balls by a girl in tap shoes. Fuck EVERYTHING
dude your girlfriend is running naked down the hall with a raw chicken taped to her stomach saying this is what I'll look like pregnant...run far far away
There's limited edition cherry vanilla nyquil. It's like they know how much I hate myself and they're giving me a consolation prize.
Do you ever just think "I could really go for a good 30 minute blowjob". I do. Everytime jill smiles.
im kinda looking forward to winter break. ive been away from home for so long i think i can trick my vagina into thinking that these arent the same people ive been hooking up with since high school...
You just kept yelling at the cabby "I own this cab" and insisted on smoking with all the windows up
why did I try to FaceTime with 311 last night?
Do I really need this much space in my mouth?
Are you already high?
I'll always remember 2012 as the year I hooked up with countless girls who had the sides of their heads shaved.
Are you texting, crying and driving?
And missing part of my eyebrow. Correct that is the description one would give of me at the moment.
Why is there a slipper full of piss in my bedroom?
Every day I wake up and there is no spectacular morning wood waiting for me I get so sad.
thought i saw a dude in a kilt yesterday, but then i realized he was doing a walk of shame. happy st. paddy's day.
There is no rule that you can't be in a room with more than one dick that's been inside you.
Randomize
