My favorite part of the day is the 2 seconds of ignorance you have when you first wake up. Right before you remember where your mouth was last night.
the boobs are fake... i feel like i just found out santa isn't real.
then she said "on the count of three I think we should apologize to eachother"
There's a sign at Bashas for 30% off of 6 bottles of wine in Friday. That seems like a personal challenge.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
The amount I want to die right now is not proportionate to the level of fun I had last night. Not fair.
i left because you were standing at the top of the stairs throwing shot glasses and bottles full of alcohol at me and yelling JAGERBOMBS
DO IT, or I'll send you pictures of my hickey to remind you of your loneliness
how do you ask an olympian for your underwear back?
Got a 72 hour restraining order. Can we meet monday? Let me know!
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
His wedding band got caught on my nipple ring and that's how I realized he was married
Oh also we fucked while one of the old Rudolph movies was playing on tv so it was festive
Yeah I don't think your wife thinks it's a good thing that you're fucking your cousin.
If you don't respond in the next 30min, I'm going to assume your in a sex coma, in jail, or dead... All of which I've become accustomed to, and will follow the appropriate channels of notification once you notify me.
christmas shopping: 3 hours in the liquor store...
We sat at the bar and made fun of everyone around us. I'm in love
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