After last night, I could never be a politician.
You were hanging upside down on the subway with your feet in the stirrup handle bars. the children were amused.
i preemptively threaten to cock slap your kids if they are snobby yuppy bitches
I just ate a can of beans for dinner so I can afford to go get a 5$ bottle of wine. I really did not think these choices would still be necessary at age 25.
Walking through campus with a grocery bag full of pot brownies. I'm like the santa claus of 4/20
New low: just got woken up by my 9 year old cousin throwing an empty at me and telling me to get my life together.
I think I'll bring the beer we scavenged from that other party. What goes around comes around, especially when it's Corona because that shit is not staying in my fridge
Just saw Santa sitting on a restaurant patio drinking beer and using his free hand to gesture to cars that he's watching them
I can control the tv with my phone while pooping on the second floor. I thought you should know for future reference
Last night I went outside to our neighbors and asked them to put in money with me to get a hot tub for our patio. Niceeeee
I'm in the woods tripping balls the water is rising why don't you answer me
Welp just ran into my high school history teacher while buying a pregnancy test...there goes my veil of innocence in this town.
Well it might’ve been because you asked to play What Makes You Beautiful at the club
Gov of Georgia is going to allow massage therapists to return to work.
Gives a new meaning to 'Happy Endings'.
You know you're getting old when you pick up hot sorority girls at the bar, and they write down their phone number, and under it 'we're great babysitters!'
Randomize
