so i had a choice between studying for my physics test on fluid dynamics or spend the night with my girlfriend. hello doubletasking.
I'm sorry but I have to break up with you. My wife is pregnant and can't have a girlfriend too.
Circumcision scars are like fingerprints. I think I'm on to something man.
why is my new profile picture on Facebook one of me with a bunch of strangers on an elevator?
Got drunk and tried to deep fry burritos. Turns out wild turkey isn't a good replacement for vegetable oil. Nearly burned my house down.
Sober people should be as daring as drunk people more often, because honestly the fact you’ve lived so long is a sign that anything is possible.
I refuse to apologize. Any dick that comes that close to my face uninvited is gonna get bit
kool aid jammers and 151...our childhood has officially been corrupted.
Just got a blowie during the Avengers. It's weird knowing that the high point of your life just happened.
He hasn't texted me back since last week when we sexted. I think telling him I wanted to choke him with chains was a bit much for our first time.
Rule #61 of being a lady: never get fingered by a finger with a knuckle tattoo
I'm actually more excited that I had so much sex this weekend that my ovaries hurt
I know it's 10:30am but Finding Dory starts in an hour, and I have four points of molly. You down?
Honestly after an incomprehensible political rant yoga seems like the best option at 2 am
we can no longer cook chicken in the house. his name is herbert, we are keeping him and can not eat his people in front of him.
Had a one night stand and didnt remember the guys name until he started sending me poems in the mail.
Randomize
