at home by myself drinkin the left over champagne from my party... who says my birthday has to end?
Please know that I fully expect you to help me steal a bed if I have a bad breakup.
Bathrooms are cool, I think Im just gonna hang out here for a bit.
She answered the door wearing a blanket and holding a golf club. I was too late for this party.
its friday night, im aone in my apartment and eating 2 year expired canned fruit, naked. i'm not single or anything..
Show him your tits if he says no
They're not help-me-out-of-jams tits. They're I-fake-people-into-thinking-they-look-good tits.
get ready to load up the weird cannon and blow a load of buck-wildness all over the place people
And there was a legally blind kid in a ref costume doing surprisingly well at beer pong who was passing out business cards
And. I know i am a gay man cause when i saw the pic of his cock his feet were in it and i am like what the fuck?
i would compare it to sliding down a velcro-covered fireman's pole naked. no more bearded men for me.
You thought you were Snapchating on your tablet, but were really just poking John Stamos' face on my Full House dvd case...
I ate 1200 calories worth of chocolate covered marshmallows and googled why it is okay to be single forever
I'm just gonna ride this ego train to sex town
I never imagine I'd say this, but can I ask Jeff for the butt plugs back even though it was a gift and we broke up?
Shit. My boss is having me meet and greet with the new doc upstairs. Do you think his doctor powers will detect that I'm still high?
Randomize
