I'm so fucking centered right now
I just came so hard I farted. Twice. Thank God I'm alone.
I discovered last night there is no graceful way to remove your face from your gf's crotch when your parents walk in the room
Mat is currently running around his basement "trying to catch oxygen in his mouth."
then you put baby powder on the bottom of your feet and walked to your room so "ladies would follow the footprints"
We were making out and then he stopped and said to me, "Your ship is right there, why don't you take your people and just go?"
Tis a story best told in person, it involves a golf course, police and vomit
It usually does with you
Despite what happened tonight, Im still expecting Jesus birthday sex
HAPPY NEWYEARSM FAGTRON! GETTING HEAD IN TAXI I WIN
security doesn't like it when we pee on cars. or maybe just not theirs?
It felt as i were a pad of butter melting onto a piece of toast.
the guy sitting next to me at the bar has a patrick swayze tattoo hovering over a roast beef sandwich. 'merica.
Also food confession I ate an entire bag of starburst jelly beans today. and a plan B. All around think I hit all my nutrients
As a gentleman whose genital hole is relatively small, you could imagine my reaction
You yelled at me about a fork.
You probably deserved it, I'm very territorial about my cutlery.
Randomize
