i feel like i'm waiting in line to date brett michaels
Nah the bridesmaids all had dates. I slept with the next best thing: girl who WANTED to be a bridesmaid but didnt make the cut.
RA chick in a Christmas onsie chased us up 5 flights of stairs. I need to stop violating guest policy
At least you got some premium homework time. Still drinking vodka from a coffee cup?
I switched to water. When the numbers get blurry you are no longer being productive.
I'm gonna fingerblast you when you get off work. Get ready.
Drunk me wrote a bucket list last night. #4 is "hate fuck a childhood enemy". Can we make this happen?
It's like past high you was looking out for future high you by rolling that joint and leaving it in your coat pocket. What a Halloween miracle
Sheila knows I only go down on her on Bastille Day. Valentine's Day we get high and watch The Neverending Story. THE SYSTEM WORKS.
I just had a guy ask me if his "jewelry downstairs" would set off the metal detector.
How was your night?
Fell down a flight of stairs. Went to a sex dungeon. Was approached by a man in a leather harness.
Totally reading about penis envy for my final exam
I discovered moonshine and fell in love.
ETA 20 minutes and if you greet me at the door with a gin & tonic I’ll give you head.
But then our conversations are like black box recordings. Just the stuff you hear when the plane is going down
Her pegging playlist is all heavy metal so stay away if you wanna keep your ass intact
Randomize
