Sitting at a bar next to a guy wearing sunglasses drinking a pitcher by himself and having an argument with himself over if journey is more ballin than kiss. Feel better about myself.
These people keep looking at me like I'm the first person to ever eat ribs in a Home Depot.
how did the keg end up in the top bunk?
So I love how we keep introducing our friends to sex toys. It's like pay it forward vibrator edition.
So the drug dealer I'm sleeping with just got drugs from the other drug dealer I'm sleeping with
Isn't life beautiful?
I just want to have weird supply closet sex with him... and then I'll be all set. Fired, but all set.
I let him fuck me in a batman costume. Don't talk to me about needing to read fifty shades gray.
Is cereal technically a soup?
Fuck, I'm high.
I'm having salsa con queso and a leftover half-drank/flat red bull for breakfast. Nothing you propose doing today would be a downgrade.
I know you all think its cute to drop me off in a different state when I black out, but I can't wake up in family campgrounds asking where I am. These parents are scared.
Go to the bar. Find a girl. Ask if she can cook. Tell her you have a guitar at home. Ask her if she wants to see it. Bring her home. Sleep with her. Tell her it's your birthday in the morning. Enjoy your made with lust breakfast.
I made him watch the first 5 episodes of Game of Thrones before I decided to sleep with him.
No ive been in the mountains getting high and baking cookies with a 4 year old
I mean I made my therapist laugh so hard she cried....so yes, my life is literally a joke to everyone
he ended the message XOXO, who the fuck does he think he is GossipGirl.
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