yeah for some reason your penis didn't fit in my mouth the other day
The only thing I have to prove last night happened is a fireman's hat full of puke.
Its as if he has to do the exact opposite of what I tell him. Don't come in my eye, pfshh it's in my eye. Don't come on the cat, pfshh it's on the cat.
I woke up to three texts telling me to "go fuck myself," a panicked voicemail from my mom, and a girl thanking me... I'm not sure which I should take care of first
i'm sober ask me anything about the civil war
maybe you should do the old hyperventilate, take a shot of vodka, sniff someone's hair trick
Woke up to a bottle of gatorade and a packet of saltine crackers tied to underwear hanging from my ceiling fan, along with 3 advil stuck to a piece of duct tape and a note saying "have a happy hangover- <3 you/me"
Drunk you is pretty stunner.
It's four o'clock and my 60yo aunt's tits have already made an appearance and there is a dildo traveling around the room periodically assaulting family members. Strangely I am thankful.
I noticed a trail of vomit coming up the drive way. You must be home
I took a sleeping pill while he was in the bathroom. Time for a game of how long can we bang before I fall asleep.
You are both horrible and amazing
well all i have to say, besides fuck you, is YOU try assembling ikea shelves while high on molly.
I didn't want to fight, I just wanted to tell you to fuckoff.
My neighbors are white girl rapping to Hamilton again...
I'm constantly crying, and now I start crying every time I masturbate which is a fun development.
You took your shirt off at the bar, handed it to a girl, and made her wash your dirty shirt on your washboard abs
tuesdays get the best of me...
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