last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
BIGGER SANDWIJH COME NIW OR DIE
You showed up at my apartment after 3 am wasted with a plate of cookies and tried to hook up.
Sorry about that. Except for the cookies.
I have the Everlasting Gobstopper of boners right now. It's kinda like a gift from god, but I don't want to spend anymore time with this girl than I have to.
I feel like all of the victims from Seven. Best birthday weekend ever.
What I do when I'm blackout drunk is none of my business.
he fucked me with his goalie mask on. it was like sleeping with Darth Vader
They ran out of toilet paper, so I had a girl rip down the streamers so I could wipe.
don't care how drunk i am. my dick was like "nope, not doing it, you can't make me and i was like oh yes i can"
Something about Sunday night screams phone sex
you made out with another girl for some wings
I'm pretty sure I broke my breathalyzer by breathing vaporized vodka into it.
I feel a blackout coming on
Plz don't have me burst into your house saying you're late for re airport to rescue you from a fat girl again
That was 2 times
Oh please. Preoccupy yourself with my penis.
Things change once you put a ring on it. 5 years ago if I had morning wood she would have gone nympho on that. Now I am just lucky if she touches it rolling when we sleep.
Randomize
