Drinking non-alcoholic beer is like going down on your cousin.
Sure it tastes the same, but it ain't right.
So I was watching the View and they were saying oral sex is the new goodnight kiss
So when are we having a sleepover?
We walked in and the first thing we heard was, "OH SHIT! White chicks!" Naturally, I made some new male friends.
I just learned in bio that our sole purpose for life is to have sex.. so your high number is acceptable. its actually lacking.
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But like now everytime I pee I just think... wow I had sex with him on this toilet.
Goldfish can't live in a bowl filled with tequila, lesson learned.
Then he complimented me on how excellent I was at breathing through my nose
Hey can we break in your window? We need to borrow the dog.
I found him passed out against a dryer in the girls washroom, in front of an old woman was trying to figure out how to dry her hands.
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Bang-toberfest begins!!
Diet Starts Tomorrow! Guy from McDonalds asked if I got a new car...
So I have to send you an email about my weekend, heretofore referred to as The Perfect Weekend. Wherein I have lots of awesome sex with a guy with THE MOST AMAZING BODY.
I look forward to this email. I will respond with, Condoms and Creepers: The Adventures of Online Dating.
Did you put candle wax on my balls last night?
It's like an adderall Houdini. Right when you think you have a deal he disappears
What made you think singing Silent Night while I was puking was a good idea?!?!
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