i'm 85% sure that if you don't visit me i will do something awkward and potentially dangerous to you in your sleep involving chocolate milk and a sham-wow.
Just looked at my call log. I called Planned Parenthood at 3am.
i'm not sure if i'm mentally prepared for this.. politeness? proper grammar? book reader ? this is a whole new meaning of the species penis for me.
i'm just sitting here going through her tagged pics, covering up different parts of her face to try and figure out exactly what it is that makes her so ugly.
He ate me out on the balcony. My asian neighbors cats are judging me...ALL 3 OF THEM!!
It was either the harsh truths I was divulging or the liquor..... But either way, I made mom puke
My cat clawed my face because i tried to give it a foot massage...never doing shrooms again.
I AM NOT THE MAN IN THIS RELATIONSHIP.
It's shit like this that makes people think we're gay.
If he thinks that that is an acceptable way to ask me out he is out his goddamn ginger mindddddd.
So in the middle of making out, he decided to give me a breast exam. God I love dating a doctor. He saved me a $20 copay.
Yeah. I made eggs in a microwave. I think that's an accomplishment this week, MOM.
Ones vagina should not have the same slogan as a can of Pringles.
You seriously don't remember crying about how much you miss your mom right before we hooked up?
When the bouncer doesn't let you in... Don't ask him where he works so you could file a complaint with the better business bureau... It only proves him right.
It's 5 PM...and you're 35. Congrats on being an amazing human being.
Fucker was flying a Bruins flag. He can pick up the dog's poop himself.
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