Ha. Yes. I'm at a strip club. I'm the barack obama of strip clubs
So I ate yogurt with the back of my toothbrush. I feel like I've officially been initiated into college.
I just realized I used lady gaga lyrics in my research paper on marie antoinette
so after six weeks of dating she admitted shes bi and asked if it would freak me out if we brought another girl into the bedroom. i said no in this hesitant voice and she said 'if you let me dont worry ill make it up to you'
i literally fucking hate you so fucking much.
I'm gonna vom. In the dentist chair. Who makes a dentist appt for July fucking 5th.
Lesson learned. Whipped cream will eat through a condom.
I mean how do you tell a nurse in the ER that you dislocated your knee giving a blowjob to your boyfriend.
Very innocently.
Yes, he made a MIX CD for our booty call...
She asked the bartender for "7 shots of something fruity" and long story short the bartender punched me in the face. Chivalry is stupid.
I got unbelievably drunk yesterday, need some time off. Apparently pulling your balls out to make your buddy's girlfriend miss beerpong shots is frowned upon.
I woke up naked in this guys bed and the first thing I start saying is it's super bowl Sunday like I was yelling
So my new thing apparently is getting wasted, showing people my slytherin socks and convincing them I'm slytherin..because why not
Im covered in coffee vomit and urine and none of which are mine
There's just something classy about smoking a blunt in a prom dress.
At least your wife cheated on you. Women will feel bad for you. In a month there will boy bands that are jealous of your dick
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