i'm sleeping with myself tonight because i remember my name and i won't regret it in the morning. sorry.
I overheard a kid saying to his mom at Walmart: "Mommy.. should we buy cups for daddy's spit?"
just got super drunk mixing jägermeister with my lyme disease meds. even if my face goes paralyzed, at least i got smashed from it.
Yeah I hope so. Definately just saw two freshmen in very authentic togas and cotton ball beards. This new class is stepping it up.
seriously considering responding to a craigslist ad for a lesbian cunninlingus instructor...at this point i'm so desperate for a job that i'm willing to switch teams.
Excuse me but the alley way I wanted to fuck in happens to be a very nice clean area.
Is putting "Tonight I'm Fucking You" on my date playlist too forward?
my hand froze to the top of can of beer cuz i fell asleep outside. i decided to find a way to open the bottom of the can before addressing my severe frostbite. PRIORITIES!
Don't be surprised if I hand out mini dildos on Halloween
The neighbor just yelled bring me back that big red alien penis.
The girl neighbor.
HOW MANY BOYS NOT ONLY APPROVE OF YOUR PLAN TO BECOME POCAHONTAS, BUT WANT TO MAKE SURE YOU DO IT RIGHT? One, the answer is one, and he is the best and if anyone ever tries to steal him I can assure you they will never be heard from again
We kind of broke a table making out. So yes, I'd say it was successful.
You've changed since you got that strap on
I feel like my foot is being amputated. Or maybe it's the vodka. I couldn't tell you.
Fucker was flying a Bruins flag. He can pick up the dog's poop himself.
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