Jake died.
WTF????????? That's how you tell me????
Oops typo. Jake cried.
Some random slut told me I was a good dancer then gave me a handjob. I felt like fucking John Travolta.
When hitting a Woodchuck bottle with a machete, glass will fly back and cut your face.
I hope you did not try this.
Parents said they were cutting off my AmEx card. So I immediately went up to the liquor store and purchased $550 of booze before it was canceled. I'm expecting your arrival in 30 minutes.
I seriously had to check my phone this morning to make sure I didn't agree to any strange sexual favors.
He told me he wants to eat me out all day while I lay in bed watching football. Seems like a solid foundation for a relationship to me.
Dude so last night I was eating out my gf and her kitten climbed onto my back and fell asleep. AND SHE DIDN'T NOTICE FOR LIKE 10 MINUTES
You told him he looked like Jesus and that you wanted to fuck his face, I'd say your blind date went well
I'm not saying I love you. I never said I love you. I said that if earth blew up like Krypton you'd be the only person I would like to have inside me when our bodies burn up in a fiery inferno
They made me leave the maternity ward, how do I get back in?
That awkward moment when you hear your boss yelling during sex while you're on her couch eating Easy Mac.
My boss and I ended up at the same strip club. We both got lap dances while talking about work.
I don't think it's a coincidence that the day I just happen to do the splits at the gym I come back with 7 guys' phone numbers.
Have you ever wanted to murder the Sun? To bring the life-giving fusion reactor to a bitter end because of the sheer agony it brings to your eyes as it keeps you awake. And for waking the birds. Fuck birds.
So how often do you needs to see my tits today then?
Randomize
