if i dont get laid while im dressed as Tim Tebow, i'm just staying true to the costume.
I was so high that i was talking shit about a girl I was with via text, and I handed the phone to her so she could type the shit I was trying to say.
After skinny dipping in your pond, I think me and tequila have added a whole new dynamic to our relationship.
Can you explain my first weekend back, because there a lot of blacked out gaps and 32 friend requests i would like to know about
You three are like the Bermuda Triangle for morals.
i remember you telling me to take a shower, brush my teeth, go get back in bed w her, and "just do what i was born to do." and as soon as i stopped yacking i did just that. you saved my birthday.
She only remembers me when she's drunk. It's like I'm a suppressed memory that only surfaces with alcohol.
Tried to eat a sandwich this morning. Couldn't. My jaw is locked up. These marathon blow jobs are killing me
She said to bring taco sauce. Hoping that's a euphemism.
Just got complimented on my chugging... Car bombs show how good I am at swallowing, they should be my new pickup line.
It was like inception, a dream, in a dream, in the back of a dodge charger.
When you wake up, just ignore the mess in the bathroom. I'll take her home when I'm off work.
I'm calling in my "fuck at anytime anywhere" card. Meet me at my place in 20 min, wear your Waldo costume.
It's just unfortunate that I still have the image of him having sex with me fresh in my mind
The cat was building a spaceship out of the carpet, my legs were cans of tomato sauce, and there was something else in that pot you gave me.
Randomize
