life lesson #1: a fart during an awkward silence between 2 strangers doesnt make it less awkward.
Just did shots with my boss to warm up for our sales call to Childrens Hospital. I love startups.
there is just no excuse for touching your mothers vagina.
I'm tempted to see how fat I can get before he leaves me. It's obvious we're playing a game of chicken here.
I walked in and saw him spread eagle on the couch beatin it, while he just pet the dog that sat there and stared. mom was pissed
Come get her ASAP. She's "people bowling," which is just her rolling into random groups of people. People look pissed.
The only thing I remember is doing a toddlers and tiaras dance routine onstage. I fucking CURTSIED.
OMG stop. Pretty feet? Sparkle baby!
Its kind of weird knowing that im only seeing you that day to fuck in some woods
Im calling you paparazzi cause of all the dick pics you take of your one night stands ps loved the panoramic one!
In the ER with Chelz, I may have broken her ankle during sex. Lovely.
just reached the point where my breast implants paid from themselves in free drinks.
After 25 beers and 3 shots my best friend thought it would be an amazing idea to get his dick pierced. We are on our way.
She grabbed a $20 bill out of my hand, calling it a lap dance coupon and then she dragged me into her bedroom. I think I’m in love
You got up in the middle of a sentence, puked, came out and poured another glass of wine and continued your story.
I should have known it wouldn’t work. Someone saved in her phone as “Subway Sex” called the week before the wedding
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