There was a ginger baby in the car next to me. I almost totaled my car into the center divide.
I tried to assassinate the ginger baby
and then he said that some chick told him he danced like an epileptic on crystal meth. he then proceeded to demonstrate this statement, which i can testify is 100% accurate.
and parents always said I was only motivated by money. Pfft they forgot vodka.
i just saw someone crawling up the stairs to the dorm while screaming "i have the best vagina!"
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I don't remember what your face looks like..
I don't remember your face either, just your dick.
Yeah he had his two razors labeled "face" and "pubes". Should I be disgusted or impressed?
Sunday was the 8 month anniversary when you shot me in the face...just an FYI.
Seriously just confirmed via our bathroom scale that a keg weighs 170lbs
Just be aware that next year I will probably try to seduce you to avoid going to the gym
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Definitely just found that pen in the microwave. What the fuck.
The guy who just got ate on True Blood had the same balls as you.
come home. i made deep-fried hotdogs; don't let me die alone.
I butt dialed her mom while cheating on her. Needless to say Christmas will be awkward.
There's a dude wearing a banana suit at the house across the street....
Anal on new furniture sounds like a quickest way to violate a warranty
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