Judging by the fact that my hair was glued to my head with vomit, yeah I think I couldve used a friend last night
A. What the fuck are period panties? B. Don't ever wear them around me... or bears.
What's the wine called that we really like and we usually drink it with xanax?
I can't begin to describe what I look like walking through the grocery store with this outfit and chocolate syrup.
23 Crazy Psychological Tricks You Have To Try on Someone RIGHT NOW
He called his prostate his "boner button".
You tried to call "time out" during the sobriety test.
Only you would get a date out of getting hit by a car
Last time i was there we saw the window of the pizza place we were at get busted, we were pulled out of a taxi to be questioned by the cops, and we peed outside a waffle house. I'm in.
So apparently I ended up throwing my clothes in the toilet after getting kicked out of TQ and ran around the neighborhood in my boxers. Works gonna suck hard once this hangover kicks in. Also: I lost a shoe so looks like flipflops for the rest of winter
These 25 People Forgave their Significant Others for Saying Stupid Things
Seriously, don't even. "Hi, have I seen you half naked covered in bright red body paint on the internet?" is NOT acceptable water-cooler chit-chat.
But once you explained how to fill cupcakes with semen I realize you were harmless and right on my level.
Can we discuss your tits for a sec? That melon patch sprung up over night
I'm gonna send you a dick pic now just so your uncomfortable at work
We were kinda loud so his roommate woke up and to make up for it he invited him to a threesome. I can't drink whiskey anymore.
Who gets call-your-ex-from-4-years-ago drunk on a Thursday??