Everything we own is covered in grass and KY
he showed up at my house with a hand-stiched sweater that said "girlfriend?"
I'm so hungover even the car commercials make me nauseas
I'm so prepared to puke on walk of shame tomorrow that I'm putting a toothbrush and toothpaste in my purse the night before. And to think, my dad thought I wouldn't make it in college.
A sandwich with pizza as the bread. I love you.
YES WITH THE SQUARE KIND OF SLICES
I'm an EMT, not a miracle worker. No, I can't fix your sprained dick.
How do you not remember?? She kept putting a dollar on her waistband and insisting it was all you can eat under a dollar
I'm smoking a bowl and pondering why we haven't discovered teleportation again.
I could go for watching some naked price is right. Looks like a good time to me.
No, dude...I agree it's great in theory but I promise you that 80 drunk 21 year old sorority girls together in one room for formal is one of the worst drama filled ideas ever. Ever.
All I want for Christmas is my co-worker's speakerphone to be thrown against a brick wall, and the remains burned in a backyard fire while I roast a hot dog over it. Is that so much to ask?
Babe, Have you see my pants?
Try Jay street in Brooklyn.. that's where I last remember seeing them.
FML I accidentally sent the text about his bruised balls as a group text that included his brother and my boss.
I fucked your neighbor. Welcome to the new apartment!
It's still fucked up that my mom let me think Vanilla Ice was my dad for YEARS just because she thought it was funny.
Randomize
