I feel like I spend my weeks apologizing for my weekends.
someone just broke into my class and invited everyone to the bar ...now we're filling out a police report. awesome.
yeah, but i heard shes schizophrenic
i wouldn't even care dude, i'd fuck her and all 7 of her personalities.
Just found a quarter that has been stuck to my boob since at least last night.
I found her sitting in the shower having an argument with the dolphins on the shower curtain.
Your last words were "i'm gonna motorboat the bartender." then you commenced with an attempted motorboat
Apparently I had an idea for a cooking show and then proceeded to throw cookies at people.
Did everyone make it back alive?
You say that with such hope.
Is that a no?
If our text convos ever saw the light of day lives would be in tatters
I found him on the floor in the kitchen eating cheese and tomato. I mean a block of cheese and whole tomatoes, he was alternating. Thats why your cheese has teeth marks.
This chick had a condom box organized by size with dividers that glowed in the dark.
Like do I send him a nude to ease his mind off his brother having a stroke? I'm not very good with words when it comes to consoling... I would be a terrible mother.
Have you forgotten that this whole sexy cop role play started with a comment about my mom?
For someone I see at the bar by herself all the time... I should have know she had a tazer.
He fucked me so hard my contacts fell out! Didnt know that was possible.
Randomize
