Gonna be late. Someone jumped in front of our train.
You're the only chick there. That's not an orgy, that's called a gang bang...
So I called her out for all the gossip she does and she's like "you do the same, bitch"
So I was like "Im classy like the Countess, youre just a bitch like Kim."
Kudos on the Interstate Housewife metaphor.
his electricity got shut off. i felt like a pilgrim searching for his dick.
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I'm someone's dream girl. I'm hungover in this guy's bed wearing ONLY a Brian Westbrook jersey. Not the same I was on a date with last night.
A French guy bit my cheek. Is that sexy there? Also had to threaten to stab the bus driver. I'm not sure I like Europe.
Drug-sniffing dog walked past me and my suitcase in the train station. My opinion: they need a new dog
The gay viking and his eqyptian 'queen' hooked up on our couches. They pushed them together to make a bed. Innovative, but awkward to come home from work to at 7 am.
You talked about giving to sperm banks on a first date. What did you expect?
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Pro: she asked me to be a bridesmaid. Con: i only have about nine months to get over a phobia of midget strippers.
All three of us got laid last night. This is what is commonly referred to as the Trifuckta.
Woke up on the couch with one cowboy boot on and a hat over my crotch. God bless texas.
An d I'd rather cry while putting a waffle in my mouth than cry on my pillow, ya feel me?
How did I get the fat lip, while puking I may or may not have sneezed... Wacking my face into the toilet bowl...
i did these weird ass ab exercises once that left me queefing for weeks
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