how to cook rice: 1. put random amount of rice and water in a pot 2. have sex on the kitchen floor. when you are done having sex the rice is ready
you said the mailboxes were turning into babies and they started crawling away. then you cried and asked me how you were gonna get your college acceptance letters
She has a concussion we think. Dancing to barbie girl.
The album was titled "Best Night Ever" until she found out she was preggers and switched it to "God Punishes Sluts"
He likes Jesus. Game over.
Oooh wait, he just told me he was high.
We had to go visit his dealer in the hospital to buy some weed.
His mom already thought we were lesbians BODY SHOTS WERE JUST NOT AN OPTION SORRY
She just broke into my apartment while I was asleep, woke me up and drunkenly tried to seduce me for about 2 minutes, then passed out..
I'm hungover from arbor mist I'm so white
You really could become the cat lady we've always dreamed of.
Don't talk to me about lonely until you're eating marshmallows for dinner in your underwear watching House of Cards for 12 hours straight. I hate all you couples
I got your flops too. But yeah you rolled off your raft a bunch of times so we had to ask the white trash squad to help you back on. You bit one of them
I'm officially removing you from my nudes recipient list on snapchat.
I'm so high that a guy on TV just sneezed and I said "bless you."
I just saw a chick driving drinking a juice box smoking all while on the phone that is talent
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