Get your hand out of your ass!
how did you know my hand was in my ass? Guess where my other hand is..?
In your belly button
I puked last after eating a volcano taco and drinking vodka. I felt like a fucking dragon.
How the fuck did I get small bruises all over my body?
Well you were laying on the couch naked after the girls left, staring into space, and I went over to the pool table and threw every ball as hard as I could at you from point blank range . You didn't flinch, blink, or scream for any of them. next time maybe you won't fuck my girl while I'm taking a shit
Just watched a UNI fan at the bar lick the tears off of a KU fans face.. See what march madness does to people
Apparently one comment in my womens studies class cockblocks yourself for an entire semester.
You have permanently scared my back with your nails. I would like to congratulate you on a job well done.
If this outfit doesn't get me pregnant tonight I don't know what will...
Just did a drug deal on the toy aisle at walmart, Merry Christmas
It was like an alcohol war zone and you left a soldier behind.
They have 12 kegs and 40 bottles of liquor and a pool with a diving board. And hardly anyone at this wedding knows me. Should be a great night
I'm sober. Being kissed by a chick with a llama puppet. Shoot me now.
That freshman kid successfully snuck into a college party, got caught, proceeded to jump out of a second story window without getting a scratch then met up with us a block away and somehow managed to get a bottle of grey goose in the meantime. He is truly blessed by the alcohol gods
Last night turned out to be an expensive trip to your house between the ticket and the plan b. (Well I haven't gotten that yet)
Nothing warms my heart more than the sight of a naked hockey player in my bed.
I can't be sure but I think I slept with a clown last night...
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