I swear if his heart was half the size of the cum stains he's left on my sheets we would have the perfect relationship
We need somewhere to take these girls. Otherwise it's a orgy in the Mazda.
You kept throwing bottles at the dorm across the courtyard and when anyone told you to stop you just said "who are you? Al Gore?"
I think he pocket dials me so much because I'm in his phone as 'Air Mattress'
I'll just tell your children you were the queen of drunk town and you had a giant purple monkey named bongo
SIMBAAAA REMEBER WHO YOU ARE
Ugh. I guess I'm crying loudly or something. My mom just came in and gave me milk, chocolate, a Xanax, and her weed "for the break up blues". Her ways of affection are so odd.
I made out with an Italian cab driver. Not cool. Help. Good news he will drive us anywhere we want to go as long as you cook food?!?!?! I want to melt into the pavement.
I HAVE A GENTLEMANLY VAGINA.
Then he unzipped his pants and whispers, " oohhh, look out!"
I felt kinda awkward walking into his house in nothing but lingerie and my dead grandmas overcoat
Not exactly hook line and sinker right away, but I'll give him a second chance. I should sext him me in my blue shark onesie.
He is a sex God. It lasted more than an hour, and I don't remember how many times I came. I lost count at 57.
So it's my mom's birthday and I wanted to be super cheap and just walk up to her and say "I got you the greatest gift ever, mom! I'm actually sober right now!".
I kept my extra Molly pill in my wallet in the change part, that's also where I keep my body jewelry while I'm working. The nose ring punctured the pill essentially coating itself in MDMA. My nose ring is back in my nose. This could be entertaining
Randomize
