the guy at the pet shop just had an eye seizure while looking at my chest
I like that most of our conversations somehow end in us having sex for the good of our country
whatever a "slut portfolio" is, mine is apparently almost complete
I don't think the car's salesman understands that I am about to vomit on him.
At some point we were all eating banana flavored rolling papers.
I'm standing outside of the bar watching homeless men teach a kid how to pee of the sidewalk.
The birthday girl is bringing her own barf bucket, it is going to be a good weekend.
One of my students in my 8am class brought me a Tim Hortons cup with a bloody Mary in it. Clearly, I didn't manage to look not drunk when I ran into him at Denny's at 4am. Who decided to let me teach?
I told her that I was going up to my room to lay in front of a fan without pants on, watching Avengers and she still wanted to get with me. I have to marry her.
It's funny that when I fall down as an adult I'm so much happier no one saw than that I'm not seriously hurt.
I WOULD SERIOUSLY RECOMMEND THE SHIT THAT I AM ON RIGHT NOW
You rinsed the beer pong ball off in my White Russian
I used my dress as a plate for pizza rolls last night
My drug dealer is giving me a 15% veterans discount on my weed for nov 11th
That's the best thing I've heard all week.
these past three weeks have been a real "fuck you" to my liver
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