i wonder if i could find a boyfriend who would call me big papa
sure if you go to prison
They told me I spent half the night at the club with one ball hanging out my shorts. Apparently it got me 1 free drink, 2 numbers, and thrown out.
you left your dildo in my car
rules of finders keepers apply
tonight is going to be epic. can you pre-book an ambulance?
You brought back some girl with you at 3am and introduced her to everyone as "hot pocket"
I had to keep telling myself 'you can't be mad at him because you peed on him'
Just found out my rents have been paying my siblings to cockblock me for the past 5 years
Not as covert as you thought huh?
Did you know that if you chase vodka with cheap red wine it tastes exactly like college alcoholism?
I wore wrist and ankle weights while we had sex. Does that count as working out?
I didn't want to see any of his nipples and now I've seen all three. Thanks.
I just pulled a seven inch black hair out of my ass. Pretty sure that means we're dating now
All I remember is grabbing a random guys dick at the bar and him just saying thank you and us taking a shot together
Girls - I think I have a problem with stealing random shit when I'm drunk.
I got drunk off three vodka cranberry’s and told him to “WWE raw dog me.” Fucking kill me.
Remember the guy with the pretty voice that gave us crabs?
Randomize
