PS - I'm in bed with an 18 yr old-am I a cougar?
No - puma.
Herpes is a lot like Arnold Schwartzenneger. Because it always comes back. Also, because it is usually in some way in control of California.
Thanks for stranding me with th douchebag award recipients
recess is on disney at 4 in the morning, insomnia has never been so rewarding
I'm a 23 year old virgin. I've masturbated in ways you can't even imagine.
i like to finish this college football season knowing that not once have I had to masturbate to erin andrews
In all seriousness, if tomorrow night becomes a heated game of Which Ex Gets To Take The Plastered Birthday Girl Home, I'm going to bow out with my integrity intact.
I caught him trying to shit in her bed. I asked him why he was doing it and he said "because it's wrong."
Remind me in the future that chugging dog codeine is not the best idea.
Her ex wouldn't stop texting her so she started replying with various pictures of Britney spears's breakdown
I'm not sorry for loving America more than everyone else
Drunk Karaoke resulted in only 8 injuries this time, so there is some improvement.
Nothing like a little chlamydia diagnosis to ring in the new year
somehow I wound up on the floor crying about his beard. then telling everyone I'd give him a "lesbian blowjob".
If you find out what that means, show me.
I'm currently watching porn and playing beer pong with wine in the lobby of a hotel with a squadron of hot airforce guys. You can never say your life is better than mine again
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