When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
Well. Nothing came of that. And to think I manscaped and dusted with gold bond.
She said to delete the bj video, but I accidentally hit the 'send to her bf' button. My bad
Man the liquor store just wrong numbered me, its a sign even god wants me to drink
Yeah well tell that to drunk me. She seems to have no standards or gender preference.
I sent him a bunch of texts telling him that his beard wasn't long enough yet so we couldn't fuck and to text me back in a few hours if it had.
After my date left I rallied and took the Asian girl home. Flexibility my friend.
My dad found me naked curled up under a towel on the couch with a fucking tub of butter and a spoon. Ambien Mondays are dead
My boyfriend just asked what time I was coming over. As soon as my old BF unchains me. I think he ran away.
A gay guy went down on me in the club bathroom and then fixed my makeup for me
its gonna be a great night
If you think you're having a bad day, know that upon waking up, I was informed that I blew my nose in a piece of bread last night
Treating myself to outback while reading the entire manual that comes with my birth control in public. Is this what single has come to?
I'm either a high functioning alcoholic or I'm making the most of the fact that this is the last year that its socially acceptable to be black-out drunk five days a week.
He yelled "Go Ducks" while he came
my vagina can't handle any more of our 4 day long smash bash. it should be like a holiday or something. should only happen once a year.
Randomize
