I'm so glad you managed to take a picture of your foreskin before you broke my camera.
Don't judge me. Haven't eaten all day so I'm in my room sticking my finger in peanut butter, then jam, then my mouth.
This smoking ban is really fucking with my ability to fart in public
I feel compelled to tell you that I woke up this morning and found an entire corn on the cob in my purse. Ive decided not to question my drunken behavior anymore, and to just accept it as my lifestyle.
hi sober isdnt real. this is a mass rtoomate taext i thing. bye
AMAZING.
Do Not. I repeat. DO NOT DRINK WHISKEY TO COPE. You will end up in jail. LEARN FROM THE PRO
Masturbating on the clock at work is my specialty.
I wish drunk me wasn't so into manscaping. Or at least good at it. Either or really
I bit my tongue so hard I left a deep imprint. Fuck you tongue, stop getting in the way of food.
I'm not asking for life coaching, I'm just asking if you know where I left my underpants.
I need my sock, sombrero, maracas, and I just heard I had a light saber, if thats the case...i want that back too
If I don't answer right away it's because I took an Adderall and the fridge needs cleaned.
Typically a man doesn't buy a woman a drink in hopes of her laughing at his penis, but no one said I was normal.
All I remember was you telling him there was something behind him so he would turn around and you could slide down his carpeted stairs on your belly without a shirt on. How's that carpet burn btw?
I just puked on the sidewalk. At 11am. Thought you'd like to know.
Just found out I lit my hair on fire last night.
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