just took a cab, driver just asked what i'd been drinking- i said vodka, he said "can't do vodka-drunk, it makes me feel like i'm giving birth to myself" ...no comment
When are you freeeeeeeeee?
My phone auto corrected that to freeeeeeeeeedoooooooooom. That's kinda awesome.
nutella sex= disaster
don't tell me I don't love her. i once slept with my girlfriends therapist, just to find out if she was cheating on me.
She can drink whiskey without a chaser and has a fridge full of whipped cream. Girlfriend potential
I dont care if your mom convinced you it should be an abstinent christmas. I did horribly on finals and i'm out of booze, so you will get over her and FUCK. ME. NOW.
I REMEMBER NUGGETS BEING THERE BUT WE WERE AT A TACO BELL
I'm not sure why he thinks weird that I masturbate AND look at pinterest at the same time.
Like tbh you're not doing anything that screams I'm drunk and yet nothing says I'm going to spend $30 on McDonalds and make out with a stranger like that picture
Why can't he just dump me? This is like a baby seal clubbing the hunter
I should have known when she said it would be "fun" we'd end up in the hospital
I feel like people expect me to always be a sarcastic, shade throwing drunk. And you know me, I hate to disappoint.
I'm not drinking for the rest of the week. I need discipline, celery, dick, and a bible.
We had sex and then ordered pizza after. This relationship is looking good so far.
Congratulations! We have a period
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