Just woke up wearing a top hat and simpsons boxers. i also found more money in my wallet then what i had before going out, about $1000 more
i have the juiciest gold medal in my pants
I wish my period boobs were my regular boobs.
we just did breakfast shots, I have a black eye and savage garden is on . Best weekend ever
Forever 21 now has a maternity line. Even more of an incentive for me to get pregnant at a young age.
your drunk mistake has arrived...he is the one wearing a poncho
So that'd what fifty dollars of chicken at 7/11 looks like. Made it to work on time. Puked twice. BOOM.
I've woke up in his bed 4 out of the past 6 mornings. I feel like this might be the time to learn more about him then his first name and what kind of beer he drinks.
Do you think it's illegal to work at a bar if you're on probation for a DUI? I need a night job where I can meet men.
I spent the day drinking wine and meditating. I'm zen as fuck.
You don't know bruises until you've been banged by 3 drunk bagpipers in the back of thier bus
Your parents are gone and we haven't fucked in their bed... why?
He was my first marine! I wanna remember his name!
As a gift to myself for being so awesome at being single, I'm going to buy a vibrator
She yelled “outlaw country” right before we heard the police siren
Randomize
