my "about me" section on Facebook should read "hell-bound alcoholic who wants to fuck a 40-year-old crackhead"
My dream in life is to scissor with Ellen. I don't care if I've got a dick. I'll make it work.
Of course im so fucked up sarah. I fight away tornadoes.
So some guy at the party is convinced I'm Edward Cullen. He keeps calling me "Twilight" and following me around with a stake. I'm concerned.
If we went to a costume party as Batman and Robin I would go as Robin, that's how much you mean to me
Someone is gonna learn how to start an IV in the morning
Oh and I guess I added our cab driver on Facebook. He has "liked" every single one of my beach pictures. Kill me now.
I blew him and did charles barkley impressions at the same time. what a pro
Hey, is this going to be a real date, or am I just meeting you at a hotel to have sex in the bathroom? Given our history, I think it's a fair question.
This is what my life has come to. Like, I may or may not have just stolen pizza from the guy I just hooked up with's fridge when I left...
Figured out why that fly won't leave. It keeps buzzing through my weed smoke
Fly high, Fly.
You slid down a wall, tried to pull your cast off and yelled that casts were too conformist.
You know why I love being a regular at this bar? It's because at a certain point last call is only a suggestion.
I’m drunk and naked and looking for my charger - title of my autobiography.
She was riding a razor scooter down the street wearing nothing but a feather boa it was beautiful.
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