Kareoke will never be a sober sport
he asked me out through an event invitation on facebook, the title read Romantic Dinner For 2
Every time I hit my bowl my neighbors set off fireworks... I stop, they stop. I start again, they start again. Too high for this.
I got a Luke Skywalker costume so I can go do battle with the homeless guy who plays the fiddle dressed as Darth Vader downtown.
Apparently she saw two women get in a slapping match over a comforter at target yesterday. She said it was awesome. Clearly I take after her.
You force fed me chocolate chips and avocados for 3 hours and kept asking me about my trip to sweden when I was 4.
I was having trouble getting it up so she grabbed it and said "no, it's too big to fail"
I am broke enough to accept it. If I get poisoned, you can have my shoes
Had sex with one of the guys from Ireland. Celebrating st pattys early.
Awkward sister question: which game of thrones female left would you fuck?
Gross! What the hell is that?!?
It's quite clearly a man posing erotically with multiple packages of bacon.
Apparently I pulled that girl's number while I was trying to insist my drivers license had enough money on it to cover the tab.
Well.. If you trust a test that only costs a dollar, I'm not pregnant
Remember that cop that blew me in the parking lot a few weeks ago? He's possibly with his wife and kids shopping at Target.
We went there specifically for you to break it off with him and I walk in on you two in the bathroom with his dick in your mouth
but he had pizza... so i win
I give up.
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