I unwillingly was the ball between four hungry hippos last night. I thought the one chick was actually going to eat me
I found her under my bed eating airplane pretzels.
youre just mad because i have donuts and im beautiful
I just tipped the cab driver with pistachio nuts. And he loved it.
Wow. I grabbed the wrong container to rinse my contacts- it was a beer. And it comes out waaaay faster than saline.
Bring enough bail money and little extra for tacos after
I mean like if I stood up my head might pull me down like an anchor
I just realized I slept with a guy who used the pickup line "do you have a bandaid? I skinned my knee when I fell for you."
The original plan involved fireworks and a lot more dildos but the new one is still okay.
You're best friend just tackled me....naked....brought me to his room where he had freshly baked cinnamon rolls. I didn't know he could cook
I was so high. I had so much hair. It was like all my hair follicles exploded.
I need thought I would ever have to use the phrase "Don't fart on that Calzone".. Thanks for that
My loniness meter has reached its peak. I just played shadow puppets using my Big Mac on the wall with my cats
I knew the bike rally would be fun when I saw "male pole dancing" on the schedule
If there's one thing I think I could really excel it, it's curating a midlife crisis
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