:( I'm sorry!!!
sexual favors sorry?
absolutely not
i was so high last night that i actually googled "how to get un high"
if you ask that question again our friendship is over
The project manager just came into talk to me for the first time and I had justed googled best drum solo ever and couldn't X out of the screen.
The more I throw up, the more I am remembering exactly what I drank last night...in order.
Clearly he doesn't understand my need to be surrounded by cats at all times
He went into the alley to piss and came back a minute later with a case of Bud Select. I'm speechless.
Showing up at the grocery store at 5am to have the clerk sprint to the condom cabinet waiving the keys because you told him to hurry it was an emergency
Why is your name written on my hand surrounded by hearts and a bartenders phone number?
Nooo, I ran into two if my exes, both having their engagement parties at the bar. It was like a fucking Eskimo family reunion, but with more tequila.
I heard the bride mutter "I should have brought a fucking tranquilizer". I'm not at all surprised that you got banned from the bar afterwards.
Should I be concerned that the new guy I'm seeing just referred to my stealing a sailboat in college while drunk as "wholesome"?
My greatest accomplishment today was eating a box of Thai food the size of a toddler.
That's so awful of me. Instead of comforting her I masturbated in front of my ex-boyfriend.
I fucked a marine... I told him it was like personal revenge and he said he could live with that and that he didn't mind being used.
idk he wanted to trade sex for a triple order of hashbrowns
AND YOU SAID NO?????????
Randomize
