I feel like your standards for women is like rent-a-centers standards for credit.
My goal tonight is to get arrested because what cop can say they have ever arrested a giant sperm before. God I love halloween
it was like a congratulatory penis slap
Let me put it this way - if I had a list of things I would like between my legs, she would rank below the cello I turned into firewood sophomore year.
We should install the 'help i've fallen and can't get up' buttons on our bodies for this weekend. Birthday weekend calls for extra measures.
Drinking vodka in the bathtub.... If I don't make it, I thank you for your magical parts
I'm driving while wearing hulk hands
I woke up this morning and the lid to the back of my toilet was missing. Dahfaq do I do with this shit?
There were grown college boys running around north campus in capes with nerf guns. If security were to be called I think they would just give them more beer.
I'm trying to get fucked by 4 girls here, and you're worried about verb tenses?!
We need to stop going on dates to the strip club.
I had forgotten what new underwear feels like. It's as if angels descended from heaven for the sole purpose of supporting my junk.
i just got drunk and created an entire Dr Seuss unit for my first graders.
I realized today that the only things I'm guaranteed to have with me at all times are lipgloss, condoms and a USB drive. hmmm...
You told me you could hear my heartbeat through my penis but your methods were unethical.
Sixty five beats a minute. I stand by that.
Randomize
